HIS FACE IN MY JOURNEY
"Faith, in its cognitive sense, is the tension between itself and doubt.” Rabbi Norman Lamm
In 2009, I served as tour manager for a Ugandan children's choir performing in the U.S. Half way through
the tour, I was tempted by fear and began to doubt my healing. I saw the end of my ministry approaching
and thought about John the Baptist who had a short and specific ministry, then died (Lk 3:1-20, Mk 6:22-32).
I feared that after the tour, my cancer would return. So, I called on a team of prayer ministers who prayed
over me and discerned what was happening in my spirit. Because of my tendency toward perfectionism, I had
put too much faith in my own level of faith! Fear had tempted me into believing that if my faith was not perfect,
I would lose my healing. My prayer ministers pointed out that Jesus heals, not my faith!
We know from the scripture that faith is necessary for healing to occur (e.g., Mt 9:22, Mk 9:23, Mk 10:52, Acts 14:9, 10),
but not necessarily perfect faith. We see in the book of Mark that belief and unbelief coexist, yet Jesus still heals
(Mk 9:17-27). Throughout the book of Genesis (e.g., Ge 15:8, 17:17) Abraham often displayed doubt --- yet, God still
credited his faith as righteousness (Romans 4:3). God was faithful even when Abraham's faith wasn't perfect. When the father of the demon-possessed boy told Jesus "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief" (Mk 9:24), he was essentially saying, "I believe in you, Jesus, but I am struggling to believe that my son can be
healed." I love the honesty expressed in this scripture. Jesus wants us to believe in
our healing (Mk 9:19, 23), but when our minds taunt us to believe otherwise, He is
compassionate and merciful, and offers us His grace.
It is natural for cancer survivors to encounter the tension between faith and doubt. This is not something to be
ashamed of. When we surrender our doubt to God, He gives us revelation and our doubt becomes the means through which our faith is ultimately strengthened. I offered myself and my unbelief to God in faith and repentance, and found rest in His faithfulness. I received His assurance that even when my faith is imperfect, He is more than able to make up the difference.